Things You Had to Have That Are Still in the Box

Each of these was going to change your life. They're in the closet now.

Entries
10
Category
Stuff
Updated
  1. A sealed box on a desk chair seat, a heating pad draped over the back of the chair.

    10. Massage Gun

    It pounds a muscle at jackhammer speed, comes in a nice zip case, and the box says it's for recovery. You don't do anything to recover from. It's still sealed. Your shoulder still hurts.

  2. A bulky boxed bread machine wedged into a lower kitchen cabinet, a store-bought loaf in a paper bag on the counter above.

    09. Bread Machine

    Bought in week one of a carb-forward phase that ended in week two. Loaf-shaped, chunky, owns an entire cabinet. The bakery down the street never knew it had competition.

  3. A sealed hard-shell drone case on a closet shelf under a beach towel and a sun hat.

    08. A Drone

    For aerial vacation footage. First you'd need to charge it, update the firmware, learn the controller and look up where it's allowed to fly. The box is in the closet, battery at whatever it shipped with.

  4. A sealed slim cylindrical box beside a cast-iron skillet with a seared steak in it.

    07. Sous Vide Stick

    Restaurant steak at home, perfect every time, as long as you plan two hours ahead, bag the meat and clip it to a pot. Still sealed. The steak gets cooked in a pan, which it turns out also makes steak.

  5. A boxed plastic foot bath on a closet floor next to a pair of worn slippers.

    06. Foot Spa

    Bubbles, heat, little rollers, and a vision of you after a long day with a book. The reality is filling it, carrying it to the couch without spilling, then emptying it. It stays in the box. Your feet are tired.

  6. An unopened small box resting on top of a chaotic garage workbench of tangled tools and cords.

    05. Label Maker

    Bought to organize the pantry, the garage and, by extension, your life. It's still in the box, which is in the garage, which is not organized. The box itself does not have a label.

  7. A shrink-wrapped fondue pot with six color-tipped forks and a small burner, sitting in a basement on a stack of boxes.

    04. Fondue Set

    Six color-coded forks, a pot, a little burner, and the idea of a dinner party where everyone laughs. Nobody has hosted that party. The fuel canisters are in the box too, unopened, slightly concerning.

  8. A sealed appliance box in a garage next to a freezer chest, a pint of store ice cream sweating on the lid.

    03. Ice Cream Maker

    The bowl has to freeze overnight before you can make anything, which requires planning, which is what you were trying to buy. It's still in the box in the garage. The ice cream at the store is fine.

  9. A sealed, bright yellow software box on a bookshelf next to a stack of blank CD-ROMs gathering dust.

    02. Rosetta Stone

    Rosetta Stone

    The boxed CD-ROM edition promised fluency at your own pace. Your pace was zero. It waited so long that it no longer runs on modern computers, since it needed Adobe Flash. You can still say hello and apple.

  10. A sealed box with a line drawing of a chrome hand-crank pasta machine, on a high cabinet shelf beside a bag of dried pasta.

    01. Pasta Maker

    The plan was Sunday afternoons, flour on the counter, fresh fettuccine. The machine is chrome, heavy, clamps to the counter, and has lived in the cabinet over the fridge since it arrived. The dried pasta is right there in the pantry.

Honorable mentions

  • Stacked cardboard boxes in a basement with one flap open showing white porcelain plates nested in foam.

    Wedding China

    Twelve place settings, registered for, received, and kept in the original boxes in the basement for a special occasion. No occasion has been special enough. At least this one is still in the box on purpose.

Dishonorable mentions

  • A spring-loaded hand weight on a carpet next to its torn-open box, a pair of sneakers nearby untouched.

    Shake Weight

    2009

    It debuted in 2009, hit $40 million in sales by 2010, and became a punchline on SNL and South Park. Consumer Reports found it burned fewer calories than walking at 3 mph. Somehow, it's the one you took out of the box.

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