Stuff My Dog Barks At

A partial log, kept by the person who keeps saying it's fine.

Entries
10
Category
Stuff
Updated
  1. A cardboard box on a front porch step, a few muddy paw prints leading right up to it.

    10. The Delivery Truck

    He can hear it two streets away, the specific engine and the specific brakes. By the time it stops out front he's made up his mind. The box is never for him, unless it's dog food, in which case he was right all along.

  2. A single orange leaf skittering across a green lawn, a chewed tennis ball abandoned nearby.

    09. A Leaf

    One leaf, crossing the yard sideways in the wind. He barked at it, chased it, caught it, and then looked up at me like he'd forgotten the plan. The leaf has since been forgiven.

  3. A glass sliding door at night reflecting a dog bed and a ball, nose smudges at knee height.

    08. His Own Reflection

    The oven door, the glass slider at night, a puddle. Another dog, the same size, who will not back down. He finally loses interest when the other dog loses interest, at exactly the same moment.

  4. Two blue recycling bins at a curb at dawn, glass bottles peeking out of one, a dog's paw prints in dew on the lawn.

    07. The Neighbor Taking Out the Recycling

    A man he has seen nearly every week of his life, wheeling blue bins to the curb. Every collection day it's a fresh betrayal. The clinking bottles make it worse. The neighbor just waves now.

  5. A winter hat hanging on a coat hook by the door, a leash dangling next to it and a dog toy on the floor.

    06. Me, Wearing a Hat

    I left in a hat, came back in a hat, and for about four seconds I was a stranger in my own kitchen. Same with sunglasses, a hood, or carrying a big box. He is very sorry afterward, briefly.

  6. A dark bedroom corner with a dog bed in moonlight and a bare wall, a faint sliver of hall light under the door.

    05. Nothing, at 3 a.m.

    One bark, very loud, at a wall in the dark. Then silence. You lie there listening. He goes straight back to sleep. You do not, because you now believe there is something in the house that only he knows about.

  7. An upright vacuum in a hallway with a chewed rubber toy dropped defiantly beside its wheel.

    04. The Vacuum

    He has seen the vacuum come out of the closet hundreds of times. Every time it's a shock. He barks at it, backs away, then attacks it from the side once it's off. He has no problem with the broom, which is suspicious.

  8. A white plastic bag caught mid-tumble on a windy sidewalk, seen through a front window smudged with nose prints.

    03. A Plastic Bag Blowing Down the Street

    It moves without legs, which is unnatural, and he has decided it's a threat. He stands at the window making a low noise from somewhere deep in his chest while it tumbles past. It snags on a fence and he takes the credit.

  9. A glowing television in a dark living room and an empty couch cushion with a fresh dog-shaped dent in it.

    02. A Doorbell on TV

    A doorbell rings in a show and he launches off the couch at the front door, ready to fight. Nobody is at the door. Nobody has ever been at the door. He does not learn from this, and neither do the people who make TV.

  10. A front door's mail slot with a few envelopes pushed halfway through, a dog's water bowl knocked over on the mat below.

    01. The Mail Carrier

    Same person, same time, every day for years, and every day it's an outrage. The mail carrier leaves, and the dog concludes this is because of the barking. From his side the system has never failed. He saves us six days a week.

Honorable mentions

  • A squirrel perched on top of a wooden backyard fence, tail curled, an acorn in its paws.

    The Squirrel

    The squirrel deserves it. The squirrel sits on the fence, looks right at him, and flicks its tail. It runs the length of the fence on purpose, back and forth. He is right about the squirrel and always has been.

Dishonorable mentions

  • A pair of work boots and an open toolbox on a kitchen floor beside an open cabinet under the sink, a sleeping dog's tail curled over one boot.

    The Plumber Who Was Actually in the House

    A stranger lay on the kitchen floor all afternoon with tools. The dog slept against his boots and accepted a scratch. That evening he barked at a doorbell on TV.

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